The Audio Guy That Heard Me Out
Being a man is delightfully disgusting fun. We really are nasty creatures, and I can’t wait to tell you this tale about that. This true story took place in an ancient time known as “Late 2007.”
Times were different in late 2007. For example, I didn’t work at the lovely Topsail Advertiser, I worked at a Wilmington television station as a production assistant. My job consisted of me making graphics to go with the mug shots from the criminals that were arrested that day. I also picked out the kids’ art for the weatherman to display on the news; and I ran the teleprompter for the news anchors. It was an OK job, but nothing I wanted to do the rest of my life.
My favorite time of my work day routine was at 3 p.m. That’s when my friend Stephano the Audio Guy would come into work. (By the way, no audio guy wants to be an audio guy, they are all plotting for a better job than turning microphones on and off all day.) Since my shift always ended at four me and Stephano only got to work together for an hour each day. And by “work together” I mean “drank coffee and bad-mouthed deserving co-workers.”
Before I continue the story, I wanna tell you a quick thing I’ve picked up in my 6 years working in various media jobs. This is what I’ve learned: The person that ignores you most on your first day at a new media job usually turns out to be the most genuine one in the building. You should beware of the people that smile and introduce themselves to you to quickly - they usually turn out to just want stuff from you. The one who ignores you is often a cautious person that will finally turn out to be a good friend; once they feel like they can trust you. It’s so backwards. Stephano was this guy. He was the only guy to ignore me on my first day; so I knew he’d end up being my friend. He did.
So back to the story. Once particular day, Stephano came in and filled up his personal coffee cup like he always did. He said to me, “I just realized today that I’ve been working here exactly a year. You know what else that means? I haven’t washed or even rinsed out this coffee cup in exactly a year. Never. Not once. And I’ve drank out of it 5 days a week, every week for that entire year. Maybe I should wash it out now.”
What kind of crazy talk was this? He was saying sane stuff like a woman would. I had to stop him.
“No, Stephano! What are you thinking? You haven’t washed that cup out in a year. That might be the most daring and impressive thing I’ve ever heard. And in the same breath you tell me this awesome thing about yourself, you ruin it by telling me you’re going to end your streak and wash out that cup? Heck no! You gotta keep not washing it, and keep using it.”
Stephano countered, “I dunno, Cory. I’m pretty sure that if I keep this up, eventually it will kill me. It was a good run, but I think I should quit while I’m ahead and wash out this cup.”
I pleaded further with him.
“Stephano, this is bigger than you. It’s bigger than us. You need to keep doing this for every man who’s ever wondered how long he could go without washing out a cup. Sure, it might kill you. But it might not! And if it doesn’t, you will be the pioneer that let all the men of earth know that they no longer have to ever wash a dish again! You will be on the Mt. Rushmore of coolness. We’ll enshrine you in the Dude Hall of Fame. You can’t wash that cup.”
He didn’t wash the cup. And he’s still alive. So now that we’re all the way into May 2008, I can tell you with mild certainty: You can go without washing a dish for at least a year and a half without it killing you. If Stephano ever dies from a case of Coffee Cup Poisoning, I will tell you, but until that day - I’m going to save so much money on dish-soap. Thanks for your continued daring experiment, Stephano. You are more of a man than most.